change..

these past few months ive been doing an awful lot of thinking and love, loss, regret and change have been mainly dominating my thoughts... and also this one little famous saying..

"school days are the best days of your life"

now before i start i'll just say, school days and events "CAN" be fun and enjoyable but whoever came up with that is some dumb moron who is totally missing the point and it makes me mad..
if school days are the best days then WHAT'S THE POINT IN THE REST...??????????
its no shocker that school doesnt hold fond memories for me.. yes i have some but not enough to make a bold strong statement saying they are/were the "BEST" days.. and i THANK GOD for that because i have a hope that there are better days ahead...BETTER DAYS AHEAD!!
get a life!

even though there are better days ahead, that also means change is going to take place..
change has already taken place in more ways than i'd like to acknowledge but i have to face the music sooner or later..
i look at me now... and..i look at me 2 years ago and it is sad to say that i hate the ways things have changed since then..
back then i was starting to become my own.. with space, care and freedom
my life, full with people who loved and cared for me..secure
i had no real worries, great set of friends, great youth leaders
back and forth to Galway to my two best friends there, every 2nd weekend

now...
i still have some good friends but ive lost quite a few which have left wounds that still aren't healing... lost through death, through arguments, through drifting away.. but lost all the same
im still becoming my own but i feel choked and suppressed
there is pressure on my coming from all angles to be a certain way, to act, think, feel, BE a certain way.. restrictions that are out of my control but ive lost sight of where it all went wrong..
i know it's not hopeless and i know the "better days" are coming and that "should" give comfort for the present but it doesnt.. it just seems to fade away like watching a car pull out in front of me on the road, on its way and i got left behind..
there is a longing in my heart for things to go back to the way they were but also an ache because i feel this way..

im open to change.. im just afraid of it, but the way things are now it can't be much scarier.. but i'm coming with open hands


"One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from

Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little" - Bethany Joy Lenz